An expert guide of movies to watch in any and all scenarios

 

Best “middle of the road” movies:

(not entertaining enough to distract you, but good enough to feel like someone else is in the room while you’re being productive doing something else)

Final Destination 3

Fantastic Four (The 2005 one)

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

You, Me, and Dupree

Couples Retreat

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

Bangkok Dangerous

Catch Me If You Can

Robin Hood (The Russell Crowe one)

Best movies to watch when your plans on a Saturday night got derailed and you’re home alone and feel like you’re missing out:

Dope

Superbad

The Usual Suspects

Shaun of the Dead (or any British Comedy)

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Snatch (or any Guy Ritchie film)

Best movies to watch when you have an “artsy” date over and want to come off as the trendy creative with an edge:

Blade Runner

Garden State

Magnolia

A Clockwork Orange

American Psycho

Vanilla Sky

Best movies to watch when you’re vacuuming and cleaning the house so you have to rely on visuals that depict the entire story without the need to actually hear the dialogue:

Drive

Men in Black

Ocean’s 11 / Ocean’s 13 (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOT OCEAN’S 12)

Jurassic Park 3

127 Hours

Best movies to play when you’ll be popping in and out of the room so you need to rely on dialogue and heavy audio cues to tell the story without constant visual aid:

Bad Boys 2

The Big Short

American Beauty

25th Hour

There Will Be Blood

The Social Network

Best movies to watch with your girlfriend that will crush her emotionally and make her cancel your plans together for the rest of the day and ensure that you are left alone to have some solo man time:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Manchester by the Sea

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas

Million Dollar Baby

Requiem for a Dream

Best movies to play when the quirky girl you met at the coffee shop comes over and you need to keep up the act as the hipster type who refuses to blend with societal norms and frequently goes on solo missions to museums:

Frank

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (or any other Tim Burton film)

Eyes Wide Shut

The Fountain

Best movies to play when you and the boys are pregaming on a Friday night and need something to bond over and add to the testosterone overload:

Sicario

No Country for Old Men

Skyfall

The Departed

Don Jon

Sin City

Best movies that are so god damn long that your girl is undoubtedly going to fall asleep and you can sneak to the fridge and heat up her leftovers that you’ve been plotting on:

Cloud Atlas

Braveheart

Boogie Nights (or any other Paul Thomas Anderson film)

Pearl Harbor

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (there’s like 6 possible endings)

Best movies to put on when you’re trying to impress someone and fake like you “get it” and make them think you have superior intellect because they definitely don’t “get it” but really you don’t even “get it” because no one “gets it” because the movie makes no fucking sense and everyone who thinks it does is just being a pretentious ass:

Belly

Donnie Darko

Mr. Nobody

Memento

The Matrix: Revolutions

Mulholland Dr.